Having My Own Back

I love my work so much. I love working through the problems that people face with their homes, with time management and the journey from chaos to order. I even love the physicality. Moving and lifting, and creating change. The time with clients is really special, and I can't imagine being in any other field. It is such a Blessing.
Today I realized that there will come a time when I can't do the work. The mental and psychological work is no problem at all, but today, for the second time, I actually felt like I might not be able to finish an appointment. My body just wore out. My back hurt so bad. I could hardly stand and walk.
It was so weird, because I rarely feel like that. I have never felt like I couldn't keep going, and usually the physcal work is a joy.
I don't know what it all means. I probably just need to do some strength training and build up my muscles for now. The problem is that there are some very odd lifting situations, and the jobs are always different. There is never a way to know what you are going to be dealing with. It's so strange to get so tired that I don't feel like I can keep going. That is not like me at all.
I guess I just need to recognize that I am going to run into limitations as I get older. Especially with my back. It hasn't been that good for a long time and I need to give it a rest and some attention. I am going to need it for a few years longer.
So, I am going to take a break from the heavy work, get some xrays, get some physical therapy and start doing more work on my shoulders and back.
I hope that I can get things back into shape so that I can keep going.
I am really looking forward to a few years of work before I hang it up, but if God has other ideas, I'm listening. I'll pray and see what happens.
That's how life rolls....

Hey There

Just dropping myself a line to catch up.
Life is good here and now. Things are moving along at a doable pace, and life has a good flow!
I know I have posted a few times about feeling overwhelmed, wanting to find direction and not knowing which way to move. I think I have found what works for me, for now anyway!
I am not looking anymore. I am not seeking, searching, planning, building or trying to find...
I am waiting. I am praying, and trying to listen. I am not great at seeing the big picture anyway, and there are so many moving parts to my life so far that it isn't helpful to try to pull it all into a coherent plan. Invariably anything that I try to glean from my own thoughts ends up being a half-measure.
Much better to do what I know I need to do for the day and the tasks that God has given me and leave tomorrow's "trouble" to Him.
It is so freeing to wait on the Lord! He has given me everything, and written my life, and I am so blest! Entrusting the future to Him makes me feel held. I am resting in the certainty that my Father will keep me in the place where I will be the best that I can be.
The things that are the most rewarding and beautiful in my life have always been those things that came out of nowhere, that He put in place to use for the things that He has in mind.
If I keep filling up my time with my plans, and don't pray enough, listen, and leave time for His plans, then when He shows me where all this is going, I might just be in the wrong place, or not listening.
The most important thing is to be in prayer, everyday, and in all things.
To keep my mind and heart open to His promptings, and to be willing.
Having the flexibility to be able to say yes when someone asks me to help with something that I know God wants me to do, that is golden.
When He calls, I can answer, and give the task that He asks of me my full attention and effort.
I am so blest to have this opportunity.
All of life is a miracle. Every day that we have is a chance to be a part of His beautiful plan.
I just want you to know, that it's all good, right here, right now....

Where Have I Been All My Life?

So here's a thought.
If we are really to live the TOB, we have to exult in our bodies as well as our souls.
For so long I have lived as if my body was something that I needed to bring into submission, needed to overcome and force into a form or a shape to make sure that I was doing health "right". I have been thinking that as I have learned in TOB, the body should be as much a part of the faith experience as the spirit. I need to combine these parts of myself and be more integrated. Start enjoying more of what I have for so long worked at. The starvation diet in the TOB language is a form of restriction that keeps a person from experience. We are afraid of what our appetites will cause us to do, so we whip them into submission, get them under control and keep a tight rein. That is not how God intended for us to treat either our physical or our spiritual selves. We have to seek balance. To overindulge in any way is problematic, but to keep ourselves tightly "in check" and to never use the gifts that we have been given becasue we are afraid of losing control, that is also the wrong perspective. My body and my health are a gift and all the gifts that we are given should be given back in forms of worship. Every day should consist of intentional experiences, both in mind and body. I should not just think about what I am feeling in my heart, but also what I am feeling, tasting, how I am moving, what the sun feels like, how it is good to be able to enjoy a walk, what I am hearing. Going through the day as just a series of activities isn't worshipful. It gets things done, but it isn't the way to connection. Knowing that He is there, in every moment, requires all our senses. I am a body-person and so simply seeking God with my mind is only seeking Him with half of my being. My body is for experience, it is for using to reach Him. We have all the senses filled in all the sacraments. At Mass we are moving, singing, hearing, smelling, and certainly tasting.
In the sacrament of marriage we are certainly using our bodies as the sign of the sacrament, and in the other sacraments we have the sights, sounds, and feelings.
This helps us to grab hold, it provides a bodily memory. Every day should be like that! Every day should be a feast for the senses. I feel like I have been blind and locked away, even as I have been taking good care of my health and trying to be sure that I check all the boxes. It's the same as checking all the boxes in our faith. Ugh. I am a total box checker!
This Lent I need to learn to do more for the sake of worship. What are the ways that I can create moments of worship? Certainly more intentional enjoyment of the moments of the day. Thinking about what I am doing, and glorifying God in the lovely parts of the day. The touches, tastes and sounds. BEING present to each moment. Not just seeking to hear His voice in my heart, but to see it, taste it, and feel it, all day long. To push my body to be a little more responsive, to learn more about what it wants and needs. To find the things that I can do with it that glorify God even more.
It's so weird that I am just now figuring this out. I have been such a stoic in all my physical experiences. Making myself do this, that, and the other for the sake of doing the right thing, but then not enjoying it when "the right thing" gets me to the place where I can. Walking everyday on the treadmill has gotten me fit, but being fit for it's own sake is stoicism. Being fit so that I can feel the sunshine, walk up a mountain, get out and feel all of nature, that should be the point. Eating should be almost a religious experience. Not just something I do and something that I discipline myself about. Enjoying what God has given is part of gratitude. Enjoying it physically, not saving it, but savoring it, being here. Showing up, and then embracing each experience.
THAT is where TOB should be taking me.
Where have I been all my life?

An "Unplanned" Life

Living an unplanned life.
"For I know the plans I have for you", Our Lord tells us.
"The worries of the day are sufficient unto themselves"

I have spent so much time making plans, trying to excute plans, and feeling nervous about plans. What are plans really anyway? They are projections into the future that we hope we can fulfill. They are our way of reaching out to grasp at a place in time that we can't even see yet.

 To sit, and to wait. To be shown what has been desired for my life from all eternity.

Life has been planned. Life has been given and is already known, stretching into the place that is time and beyond.

The way to those plans is the tricky part. It is so hard to sit and wait. It seems counter-intuitive. How will goals be met if those goals aren't written, if the bullet points and check boxes aren't created, if they don't contain the little x's that show forward momentum? How will the thoughts and dreams of the future take shape without a set of rules, without something to form them? This is where trust and letting go of the rudder come in. Stepping out of the boat, and onto that unsteady surface. This is where the waiting for the gift is the only path forward. There is a plan, it just hasn't been given. It is a gift that can only be opened a bit at a time.

There is panic in the idea that life is passing, that there is only so much time. There is the running, the spinning thoughts, the overwhelm of trying to do too much for too many. There is the need to please other people, by being enough, and doing enough and performing at a "good enough" standard. Feel the rising anxiety at these thoughts?
That running, spinning, out-of-control thought process?
Where does it go? What does it accomplish? There is going to be a future, and there already is a plan. All the machinations that drive the need to find, become, achieve, what are they, really, except the expectations of a place that we were not made for?

So the question becomes, how will the path to the place that we are made for be revealed? How will we go into that mist that is our future? It is ever unclear from this side of the gulf. We wait for the guide to show up. We wait for someone who has been through it and who has the map. We don't step out onto that foggy path without the One who can take us into the plan that our life is. When He comes, we don't want to delay, we want to respond with our Fiat. How will we know His voice? How can we be sure that the hand that reaches out to draw us forward is His hand? We wait. We learn and give ourselves over to deep contemplation, so that His voice becomes familiar.

The unplanned life is a life of freedom from ego and self-serving, but it is not easy. It is going to be hard work, because His plans are all about who and why, not what and where.
He is the master of relationship. He is all about the connections between people and what we are to each other. Blessing or curse.
He is all about the why. Why are we here? Why this time and this place? Why these people? The answers to these questions reveal the path forward but these answers are always elusive. They are not static and only by staying in the primordial relationship can we receive them.

To grasp is to be frustrated. To be a receiver of the gift is peace.
What, then, is the posture of receptivity? What does that look like in the day to day experience?
Starting each day with a sense of wonder and curiosity.
 What will He give me? What does He want me to know? Who will be a part of the journey that day?
Asking my Daddy for the gifts, and then waiting with open hands.
A posture of Joy, and gratitude. A willingness to see all the gifts already given, especially in the people in this life. Every day.
The posture is also one of stillness. Expectancy. Being. Asking the questions and then waiting for His answer. Not thinking too far ahead, but expecting miracles.
Watching for the signs and following them when they appear.
This is only possible with Grace.
There is no way to live a life planned only by the Planner, without Grace.
 It is the way of the Blessed Mother.

I wait.

Stay In The Story

You know how when you are watching a show, or reading a novel, and you have gotten through the first few episodes or chapters, met all the characters, and have gotten into the plot far enough to know that it's a good story, but you can't see where it's all going?
You have to decide whether you are going to commit to following through and watch or read the whole thing, or whether it's just too much effort and you don't have the energy or time to invest.
I feel like there are lots of times when life is kind of like that.

Sometimes God writes a novel, with ourselves as the main characters. We meet people, learn things, are taken places and we are walking through the early chapters without a clue as to how all of this is going to connect and how it is going to turn out. I hope that I am learning to walk through the story with interest and excitement about the chapter I am living, and trust that the Author is the best one to decide how it is going to turn out. It's not a good idea to tell an author how a story should go. He already has it outlined and as any author knows, a story is a piece of the heart. I am so glad to have a part in a beautiful story, written by the Author of Life, who has crafted every word and every phrase with the utmost love and attention. Lord, give me the Grace to stay in the story and follow it to wherever You will it to go.