Sunday, March 3, 2019

An "Unplanned" Life

Living an unplanned life.
"For I know the plans I have for you", Our Lord tells us.
"The worries of the day are sufficient unto themselves"

I have spent so much time making plans, trying to excute plans, and feeling nervous about plans. What are plans really anyway? They are projections into the future that we hope we can fulfill. They are our way of reaching out to grasp at a place in time that we can't even see yet.

 To sit, and to wait. To be shown what has been desired for my life from all eternity.

Life has been planned. Life has been given and is already known, stretching into the place that is time and beyond.

The way to those plans is the tricky part. It is so hard to sit and wait. It seems counter-intuitive. How will goals be met if those goals aren't written, if the bullet points and check boxes aren't created, if they don't contain the little x's that show forward momentum? How will the thoughts and dreams of the future take shape without a set of rules, without something to form them? This is where trust and letting go of the rudder come in. Stepping out of the boat, and onto that unsteady surface. This is where the waiting for the gift is the only path forward. There is a plan, it just hasn't been given. It is a gift that can only be opened a bit at a time.

There is panic in the idea that life is passing, that there is only so much time. There is the running, the spinning thoughts, the overwhelm of trying to do too much for too many. There is the need to please other people, by being enough, and doing enough and performing at a "good enough" standard. Feel the rising anxiety at these thoughts?
That running, spinning, out-of-control thought process?
Where does it go? What does it accomplish? There is going to be a future, and there already is a plan. All the machinations that drive the need to find, become, achieve, what are they, really, except the expectations of a place that we were not made for?

So the question becomes, how will the path to the place that we are made for be revealed? How will we go into that mist that is our future? It is ever unclear from this side of the gulf. We wait for the guide to show up. We wait for someone who has been through it and who has the map. We don't step out onto that foggy path without the One who can take us into the plan that our life is. When He comes, we don't want to delay, we want to respond with our Fiat. How will we know His voice? How can we be sure that the hand that reaches out to draw us forward is His hand? We wait. We learn and give ourselves over to deep contemplation, so that His voice becomes familiar.

The unplanned life is a life of freedom from ego and self-serving, but it is not easy. It is going to be hard work, because His plans are all about who and why, not what and where.
He is the master of relationship. He is all about the connections between people and what we are to each other. Blessing or curse.
He is all about the why. Why are we here? Why this time and this place? Why these people? The answers to these questions reveal the path forward but these answers are always elusive. They are not static and only by staying in the primordial relationship can we receive them.

To grasp is to be frustrated. To be a receiver of the gift is peace.
What, then, is the posture of receptivity? What does that look like in the day to day experience?
Starting each day with a sense of wonder and curiosity.
 What will He give me? What does He want me to know? Who will be a part of the journey that day?
Asking my Daddy for the gifts, and then waiting with open hands.
A posture of Joy, and gratitude. A willingness to see all the gifts already given, especially in the people in this life. Every day.
The posture is also one of stillness. Expectancy. Being. Asking the questions and then waiting for His answer. Not thinking too far ahead, but expecting miracles.
Watching for the signs and following them when they appear.
This is only possible with Grace.
There is no way to live a life planned only by the Planner, without Grace.
 It is the way of the Blessed Mother.

I wait.

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